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What Men Still Don’t Understand


We got guys to reveal the intimate, embarrassing, surprising things they really want to know about how to make sex with you better, sweeter, hotter. Here, the good news you can both use.

As far as sex goes, we men have only two questions. They sum up every curiosity we’ve ever had, every mystery we’ve yearned to unravel. 1. Now? 2. Why not now? Well, those are the only official questions. Unofficially, there are a few others we’d like to ask, some that pertain to certain puzzles that have nagged at us since time commenced. Just don’t expect to hear them aloud, because there’s little chance that we’ll ask you the sex questions that we really want answers to. You might freak out. Or dial 911. Or, worst of all, you might discover how clueless we are. So just what are men’s most burning bedroom riddles? Here — according to sex therapists and an unofficial poll of dozens of men who participated in this story only under a veil of secrecy — are the questions that are likely simmering in your guy’s head right now. Plus, you’ll find some tips on how you can help him learn the answers in the least humiliating way possible.1. “She loves foreplay. My repertoire is a little limited and, honestly, foreplay’s not my favorite part of sex. Any new tricks I can surprise her with?” If men tend to rush through foreplay, it’s because we — to put it mildly — don’t see it the same way you do. We’re ready for sex the moment we have an erection. Delaying intercourse when we have an erection and a willing woman nearby? That’s idiotic, according to our biological wiring. Look, we may have only so many potent hours in our lifetime. Asking us to waste even a precious few minutes on foreplay doesn’t jibe with our evolutionary programming. To us, foreplay has only one purpose: to get you craving penetration as quickly as possible, by warming you up and helping you lubricate. To make that happen, we may touch you the way we like to be touched sexually — i.e., we make a rush for the genitals. “Women usually enjoy the lightest, feathery, teasing touch in areas that men don’t necessarily think of as erotic, such as the face, hair, neck, and the sides of her body,” says sex therapist Aline P. Zoldbrod, Ph.D., author of Sex Talk: Uncensored Exercises for Exploring What Really Turns You On. “Because men often don’t like to be touched like this, they don’t think to touch their partners like this.”If you really want your guy to love foreplay and get creative with it, stop calling it “foreplay” and start calling it “building anticipation.” “Men want to be playful,” says Scott Haltzman, M.D., a clinical assistant professor at Brown University in Providence and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men. As long as we know that sex is coming eventually, making a game out of getting there can create a mind-blowing urgency — one that will soon make sex without foreplay seem dull by comparison. Two ideas to build on:Set a timer, and tell him he’s not allowed to take off his pants for 15 minutes. “It’ll force him to become more creative,” says Haltzman, “and it has all the buildup.”Use sex candies. Or whipped cream. Bait the areas of your body where you want more attention — all the places he misses when going in for the kill. React passionately, and you’ll soon make him a foreplay connoisseur — without uttering one (intelligible) word.2. “She can only climax when I give her oral sex. Is this normal?” It’s not that guys feel inadequate, mind you. It’s just that we like to see all of the effort and grit of intercourse culminate into something more than, well, you lovingly waiting to get yours. Our intentions are noble; it’s our understanding of anatomy and female arousal that’s lacking. “Men often think that intercourse triggers orgasm for women,” says Sallie Foley, a marital and sexual therapist at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor and author of Sex Matters for Women. “Actually, most women need direct stimulation of their clitoris in order to have an orgasm.” Few guys know that almost half of women don’t come during intercourse, so if you don’t, we may think we’re doing something wrong. The cure for this is a little knowledge. “When couples find out this is completely normal, it takes all the pressure off,” says Foley. Experiment with positions that may give your clitoris more sensation, and use a vibrator or your fingers (or have him caress you) during sex. 3. “When I’m tired or just don’t have my A-game working, I don’t know if she wants me to keep going till she comes, or give up. Should I keep soldiering on or can I tell her I want to stop?” If you can’t imagine why he couldn’t just say, “I’ve had it — can we pick this up again tomorrow?” you’ve clearly never been a man. Quitting mid-game just because you’re losing is a real weanie move. So when you sense that he’s been pistoning on sheer willpower, cut him a face-saving break. Change the rhythm. Kiss your guy and say, “Let’s stop just a minute — I want to put on some music,” suggests Haltzman. Looking through CDs will break his “must please her” trance and mercifully let him collapse on the mattress. When you climb back into bed, stroke his chest or his back. He’ll already be asleep. 4. “Our lovemaking’s become routine. How can I get her to consider something new without having her freak out?”He’s smart to be wondering about this, and it should be on your mind, too. “Routines are dangerous to sexual relationships because they can mean you’ve stopped paying attention,” says Russell J. Stambaugh, Ph.D., a sex therapist in Ann Arbor, MI. “Arousal and desire are all about attention.”We have countless common sexual fantasies, but those that involve you — our steady partner, and a woman who knows where we live — comprise a much shorter list. “The number one thing that guys want to try is anal sex,” says Haltzman. If you’re flatly not into it, tell him you’d like to have more sex in the doggie-style position, Haltzman suggests. A simulation is better than a total rejection. Among the other wishes men cite repeatedly: more oral sex, bondage or S&M play, having you dress provocatively for us and do a striptease, and threesomes. Some couples might discuss these ditties as casually as they would a grocery list. You and your guy aren’t among them? Then be compassionate if he suggests something that you’re not down with.
Chiefly, restrain from laughing and saying, “When hell freezes!” “He’s putting himself on the line by asking this and probably feels pretty anxious,” says Haltzman. You want to convey that you take his sick, perverse needs seriously. The winning response: “Let’s think of something that can be just as exciting that I’m into, too.” And remember, we might crave the kinky stuff, but almost anything new — a different perfume, a tight-fitting tee — can add a jolt when we’re in a rut. We’re pretty easy to please.5. “What is the most expert way to hit her alleged G-spot?”The G-spot has been the best and worst thing ever to happen to men. It’s incredibly empowering to think there’s a magic button we can push to make you blow through the gates of ecstasy. And it’s infuriating and humiliating when we can’t find this damned button or make it work.A secret: As long as you come, we’re happy. It’s when you can’t come — or when we decide that we must do some experimenting, perhaps with your encouragement — that we begin looking for that mystical button-size zone on your upper vaginal wall. Every literate man in America over 25 has read the directions on G-spot stimulation at least 30 times: When you’re fully aroused, he’ll put his finger inside you, press up toward your navel, and lightly stroke you back and forth in a “come hither” fashion. And then you’ll explode like an H-bomb.Right?Not necessarily. Just as many women won’t orgasm from intercourse alone, many women don’t respond to G-spot stimulation, says Zoldbrod. If it does nothing for you, show us what does put you over the top. Rest assured, we’ll happily do whatever works.6. “She doesn’t want me to go down on her if she hasn’t showered immediately beforehand, even though I tell her that it’s not necessary. Why is she so self-conscious?”Guys are not bashful about receiving oral sex, so when a woman is reluctant to receive it, we can’t relate. We did learn during our dating days, however, that women fall into three camps regarding cunnilingus: They either love it, accept it but wish we’d stop, or close the gates of Oz and say, “No way, no how.” Occasionally even a fervent female fan will decline. “I didn’t know I’d be exposed tonight,” one lover shyly said to me, perhaps because it had been 72 hours since she waxed. To date, I have never said that while holding up my boxers.If you see your guy’s head traveling downward, consider any fears about your odors or tastes to be unfounded. Interestingly, your scents likely seem stronger and more unpleasant to you than they do to him, because you have a keener sense of smell (perhaps to prevent you from eating something poisonous while pregnant, scientists speculate). How much keener? A study of 50 subjects conducted by researchers at the State University of New York at Albany found that 19 out of 32 women could identify the scent of their own underarm odors (on gauze pads worn overnight, if you must know), while only one of 18 men could identify their own odor. And women rated their own scents and those of other females as more unpleasant than males did. So we detect aromas differently, which was probably apparent to you the first time you set foot in our apartment. So let him be spontaneous, won’t you? If no amount of logic will make you comfortable, then shower together first, says Zoldbrod. All you need to say: “Honey, I know you love how I taste, but this will let me have a great orgasm with no distractions.”
7. “I love it when she initiates sex. How can I get her to do it more often?” Men have wanted this since the Neolithic period. But unfortunately, even after all these years, we still don’t always recognize it when it’s happening. “His idea of her initiating sex might mean her prancing into the room in a negligee, and her idea may be giving him an extra-long kiss when he comes home,” says Stambaugh. If he doesn’t take the bait, even because he’s had a stressful day at work, you may feel rejected and decide that you’ll leave the initiating to him.This miscommunication illustrates a common problem. Women expect men to intuit things from obvious hints — such as “those earrings would look great with my new dress” — and then become frustrated when guys miss the message. “With men, you need to be explicit,” says Haltzman. Look him in the eye (or send him a text message) and say, “Would you like to make love tonight?” Or be more playful and say, “How about a roll in the hay, soldier?” Either will thrill him. If you want to devise a subtler sign (such as, say, asking him to shave before bed), tell him what the code means the first time — and don’t flip out when he forgets it the fifth time. 8. “I think I know when she’s had an orgasm, but there’s always the chance that she’s faking. How can I tell that she had a real one?” To us, making you orgasm is like seeing the golf ball fall into the cup. Until that happens, it ain’t over. We just keep on stroking and hope things don’t get too embarrassing. And hope we have the energy to do it 17 more times. The catch: The damned ball is invisible, and only you know if we nailed the cup. The gravest, most unsporting insult you can give a man is to let him win out of pity, and the fear that you’re doing just that — by faking your orgasm — may creep into his brain if he’s the paranoid sort. Or if you’ve given him reason to suspect you of faking in the past.Men’s magazines will tell us to look for orgasm clues like flushing and vaginal contractions, which strengthens the troubling notion that we need to be detectives. (And it becomes even more disheartening when we learn those can be faked, too.) You can kill all of this anxiety by uttering three words: “I didn’t come.”Say this, and then show us what to do to make it happen. Then we’ll know and trust that you’ll speak up when you don’t get yours. We’ll know you play fair. And we won’t worry about it again.Finally, educate us by saying another short sentence, if it’s true in your case. Tell your guy, “I don’t always need to come to have great sex with you.””Highly sexually satisfied couples can take turns pleasing each other,” says Stambaugh. You both don’t always have to reach the peak to make the trip worthwhile, and couples learn that in time. A great script to use, says Haltzman: “It’s an incredibly powerful feeling for me to see you having fun in bed, and you trying to give me an orgasm is just going to get in the way of it.”Even if that’s a lie, it’s so sexy, we won’t care.9. “How can I make my erection last longer for her?””Guys often joke that when they’re in their early 20s, their erections are so firm that they could hang a towel on them,” says Foley. (This frightens guests who enter the bathroom, however.) Of course, as a guy ages, what once held up a wet bath towel at 70 degrees may now only support a washcloth parallel to the ground.We don’t greet this change happily.”Men often buy into the male myth about how they should be performing,” says Zoldbrod. If your guy is distracted during sex by thinking about his erection, he’ll probably lose it. Learning that it’s normal for his erection to wax and wane while he’s making love can help a great deal. Sure, in his 20s, his erection stayed hard even when he wasn’t being fondled. But now, if he’s getting no touch, there’s a natural “relaxation” until he becomes aroused again. Men need to know that they can ask for stimulation to stay hard, Zoldbrod says. (For your part, remember to include his inner thigh and perineum — the sensitive region under his testicles — as well as the penis.) And if he’s unable to have an erection at all, consult a doctor. Many curable or treatable conditions could be to blame. If he’s overweight or has high blood pressure or diabetes, you may have found your culprit.
10. “Sex once a week is plenty for her, but not for me. Can I do anything about it besides hinting and pleading?” We know that a dip in sex drive after marriage is normal in women. We heard the jokes at bachelor parties, and married life has confirmed the rumor. So has science; a British survey of more than 11,000 men and women ages 18 to 64 found that women had a decline in sexual desire after about three years of marriage, and in their 30s and 40s, many had sex drives that were lower than the men their ages had. Women with small children were more likely to report problems. What’s behind the dip? Researchers attribute it to women’s decreasing testosterone levels; men have 10 times as much of the sex hormone as women do, so to expect that we’d all have the same level of desire is ludicrous. Life pressures weigh women down, too. “Women in their mid- to late 30s tend to have way too much on their plates,” says Zoldbrod. Mix a demanding job with kids, and sleep becomes more indulgent than sex.We get that. And many of us have no problem with it.”My research has found that about 75 percent of men had stronger sex drives than their wives, but a significant percentage — more than a third — were comfortable with that,” says Haltzman. Those who were okay with it tended to be older (starting in their late 30s), and to feel satisfied in their marriages overall, he explains. “Studies show that in a good marriage, sex only accounts for about 20 percent of what people say makes it good,” Haltzman adds. So if the marriage is great, and you want sex once a week while we’d prefer it thrice, we probably don’t care — as long as we’re getting enough between-the-sheets time to feel like we have a loving partner.If your guy isn’t happy with the boot-knocking frequency — a hint would be that you’ve turned down his last three overtures — bring this up and negotiate. “Men’s sex drive is more than just a biological need, it’s a drive to connect emotionally,” explains Haltzman. And you, our beloved partner, are the one holding the key.

June 6, 2009 Posted by | Life | Leave a comment

8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage


“…And they lived happily ever after.” You’re smart. You know life is no storybook. But admit it: Somewhere deep in your subconscious lurk romantic visions of Cinderella, or maybe Julia Roberts. The images may be sketchy and a little outdated, but you can still make out the silhouette of the bride and Prince Charming riding off into the sunset.

In real life, sometimes your Disney fairy tale ends up feeling more like a Wes Craven horror flick — and you’re the chick who keeps falling down and screaming for her life. I’ve been there. Let’s face it, marriage is not for the faint of heart. You want to believe your pure love for each other will pull you through. And it does. But it ain’t always pretty. That may sound grim. But here’s a secret:

Sometimes it’s the least romantic parts of marriage that have the most to teach you about yourself, your partner, and the nature of love. Read on for some simple truths that will unlock the surprising treasures and pleasures in your imperfect, unstorybook, real-life love.

1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever? When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy — your soul mate — you’ll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn’t make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, This is so not what I signed up for. Actually, it is. You just didn’t realize it the day you and your guy were cramming wedding cake into each other’s faces, clinking champagne glasses, and dancing the Electric Slide. Back then you had no idea that “for better and for worse” doesn’t kick in only when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out togetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills. That’s when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense of loneliness and grief. It’s not him. It’s just you, letting go of that sugarcoated fantasy of marriage that danced in your eyes the day you and your beloved posed in all those soft-focus wedding photos. You’re learning that marriage isn’t a destination; it’s a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium. Waking up from a good dream to face the harsh morning daylight may not seem like a reason to celebrate. But trust me, it is. Because once you let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that’s better than any fairy tale.

2. You’ll work harder than you ever imagined. Early on, when people say, “Marriage takes work,” you assume “work” means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. In your naiveté, you think that you will struggle to accommodate some annoying habit, like persistent knuckle cracking or flatulence. If only it were that easy. Human beings, you may have noticed, are not simple creatures. Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths — and from where he sits, you’re pretty complicated, too. You have to learn each other the same way that you once learned earth science or world geography. And getting married doesn’t mean you’re done — it just means you’ve advanced to graduate-level studies. That’s because every time you think you’ve mastered the material, he’ll change a bit. And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process. “It’s like losing weight,” says Andrea Harden, 45, of Buffalo, NY. “You want it to be a one-time deal. You lost it, now just live. But then you learn it’s a lifestyle. That’s marriage. The effort is a forever thing.” So don’t be too hard on yourself — or him — on those days when you feel like you’re struggling through remedial math.

3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder). Whoever decided to tell newlyweds “Never go to bed angry” doesn’t know what it’s like inside a bedroom where tears and accusations fly as one spouse talks the other into a woozy stupor until night meets the dawn. If this scenario sounds familiar, I’ve got three words for you: Sleep on it. You need to calm down. You need to gain perspective. You need to just give it a rest. I’ve found that an argument of any quality, like a fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the action will help you figure out whether you’re angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the overflowing garbage can is really about feeling underappreciated. Could be you’re both stressed out at work and just needed to unload on someone. Taking a break will help you see that, and let go. Or maybe you really do have a legitimate disagreement to work out. Without a time-out, sometimes a perfectly good argument can turn into an endless round of silly back-and-forth, rehashing old and irrelevant transgressions as you get more and more wound up. Even when you do manage to stay focused and on topic, there are some fights that stubbornly refuse to die by bedtime. And if you stifle your real feelings just to meet some arbitrary deadline, your marriage will surely be the worse for it. “This was a huge lesson for me,” says Andrea. “As women we’ve been trained to make nice. But the whole kiss-and-make-up thing just to keep the peace was eating me up inside. I’d let things build up inside me until I just exploded. Now I wait a while to get hold of myself — let the emotions settle a bit — and state my position. Even if that means reopening the fight the next day.”

4. You will go without sex — sometimes for a long time — and that’s okay. There are few men in the Western world sexier than my husband. And I don’t say this because I know he may read this article. I’ve seen women checking him out when they think I’m not looking. (Honestly, ladies, you don’t have to sneak a peek. I don’t mind if you stare.) That said, there are times that I just don’t feel like having sex — often for reasons that have nothing to do with Genoveso. (See? Even his name is sexy.) I can’t lie and say this is always okay with him. But the fact is, there are also plenty of nights when he’s not in the mood. So maybe a few days go by when we don’t do it. And then a few more. And…. Sexless periods are a natural part of married life. A dry spell isn’t a sign that you’ve lost your mojo or that you’ll never have sex again. It just means that maybe this week, sleep is more important than sex. (I don’t know about you, but between work, 3 a.m. feedings, the PTA, soccer, T-ball, and everything else, I sometimes crave sleep the way a pimply, hormonal adolescent longs to cop a feel.) And don’t kid yourself; no one in America is doing it as often as popular culture would have you believe. Instead of worrying about how much you think you “should” be having sex, keep the focus on figuring out your own rhythm. “I used to think, What’s happened to us? We always used to be in the mood,” says 35-year-old Kim Henderson of Oakland, CA, who’s been married for five years. “Now I know better. Life happens. My husband just started a new job. He has a long commute, and we have two small children. I think we’re good.” The key is to make sure that even if you’re not doing “it,” you’re still doing something-touching, kissing, hugging. Personally, my heart gets warm and mushy when my husband rubs my feet after a long, tiring day. He may not be anywhere near my G-spot, but that little bit of touch and attention keeps us connected even when we’re not having spine-tingling sex.

5. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together. I can be a bit of a know-it-all. There, I said it. It’s really not my intention to be hurtful or brash with people I love. It’s just that a lifetime of experience has taught me that in most areas, at most times, I am right about most things. What shocked me several years into my marriage, though, was the realization that the more “right” I was, the more discontented my husband and I were as a couple. See, oddly enough, throughout his life Genoveso has been under the misguided impression that he’s right most of the time (go figure!). So we’d lock horns — often. That is, until I learned a few things. Namely, that when it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right or wrong — there is simply your way of looking at things and your husband’s. “I used to be very black-and-white earlier in our marriage,” says Lindy Vincent, 38, who lives in Minneapolis. “Now I see that I’m not all right and my husband is not all wrong. There’s more gray in life than I thought, and that’s taught me patience and the value of compromise.” The more I get to know and appreciate my husband for who he is, the more I respect his positions. That doesn’t mean I always agree with him. But I can see the value in striking a balance that satisfies us both. And instead of harping on how wrong he is, I can usually swallow the verbal vitriol and simply say something like, “I see your point” or “I hadn’t considered that.” After I sincerely acknowledge his view, it seems to become easier for him to hear mine. And because I know I’m being heard, most of the time now, I don’t even want to prove how right I am anymore. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

6. A great marriage doesn’t mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right. Maybe you think that because of my newfound wisdom, Genoveso and I never fight anymore. Ha! As important as it is to strike a balance, it’s also important to have a big, fat fight every now and then. Because when you fight, you don’t just raise your voices; you raise real — sometimes buried — issues that challenge you to come to a clearer understanding of you, your man, and your relationship. I wouldn’t give up our fights for anything in the world, because I know in the end they won’t break us; they’ll only make us stronger.

7. You’ll realize that you can only change yourself. Ever seen the ’80s sci-fi cult classic Making Mr. Right? When the stylish heroine, played by Ann Magnuson, is hired to teach a robot how to act like a human, she seizes the chance to create a perfect guy. A hotshot commercial whiz, she uses her marketing prowess to shape John Malkovich’s android character into her personal version of the ideal man — sensitive, eager to please, and willing to listen. There is a bit of that makeover fantasy in all of us — something that makes us believe we can change the person we love, make him just a little bit closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but with dogged conviction we take on this huge responsibility, convinced we’re doing the right thing. Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a full-grown man — stripping him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies — is truly an impossible task. And you will come to realize, sooner than later if you’re lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to him. Here’s a perfect case in point: “I used to go off on my husband because he didn’t empty the sink trap when he cleaned the kitchen,” says Kimberly Seals Allers, 36, of Bay Shore, NY. “It got me nowhere; my rants only made him resentful. Now I come home and when the kitchen looks clean, I’m like, ‘Cool, now all I have to do is empty the sink trap.'”

8. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you’re really made of. I’ve got issues. Trust issues. Control issues. And others, I’m sure, that I’ve yet to fully discover. I guess I’ve always known I wasn’t perfect. But in more than a decade of marriage, I’ve been smacked upside the head with the cold, hard evidence. There were clues when Genoveso and I were dating, especially with the trust thing. Early on, I was supersuspicious of him. He used to say things like, “I’ll call you at 8.” Then, just to try to trip me up, he’d call at 8. I knew he was up to something, I just couldn’t figure out what. The same kinds of experiences followed after the wedding. Except occasionally he would actually mess up. And I had no sense of scale when it came to rating his offenses; everything was a major violation. Whether he teased me about a new haircut or came home late, I seethed for days and even let thoughts of divorce creep into my head. I figured, if he loved me — really and truly — this stuff wouldn’t happen. I’d like to be able to say that this irrational behavior lasted only a few months and I eventually worked it out. Kind of, sort of, is closer to the truth. After years of looking deeply into my soul and talking to good friends and the best sister a girl could ever have, I’ve come to recognize certain things about myself. Not to get all Dr. Phil about it, but I’ve had to examine my history with an emotionally distant dad and a strong-willed mom and face up to all the ways, both good and bad, that those relationships have affected how I approach my marriage. I still struggle as a work in progress. But I am completely clear in the knowledge that many of the deepest frustrations in your relationship are an opportunity for you to confront yourself. That can be difficult to accept — after all, it’s so much more comforting to keep a running tab of your hubby’s deficits and tell yourself that his failings are the only thing standing between you and a better marriage. But if you let it, this bumpy journey toward self-awareness can be one of the more fulfilling rewards of a committed, long-term relationship — you’ll learn to love your quirks and be compassionate toward yourself, just as you’re learning to do with him. That’s the strange beauty of marriage: It’s full of hard times and hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your life together — and make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began.

June 6, 2009 Posted by | Life, Life Style, Tips | Leave a comment

Are You A Real Man?


  1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.

You decide to:

    1. Present it to the President of the United States.
    2. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
    3. Take it apart.
  1. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
  2. When is it okay to kiss another male?
  3. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
  4. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two jof you are taking it easy. You’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
  5. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
  6. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
  7. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
  8. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
    1. Innocence
    2. Idealism
    3. Cherry bombs
    1. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
    2. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
    3. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
    1. A cat.
    2. A dog.
    3. A dog that eats cats.
    1. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
    2. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
    3. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a drawplay on third and seventeen.
    1. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
    2. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
    3. Tell her what?
    1. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
    2. “They’re in school already?”
    3. “There are three of them?”
    1. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
    2. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
    3. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her).
    1. He was being tested.
    2. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
    3. He refused to ask for directions.

10.  What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

    1. Democracy.
    2. Religion.
    3. Remote control.

Note: All “real men” answer “C” to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the “C” answers.

June 6, 2009 Posted by | Life, Life Style | Leave a comment

Men explained


Why are men such jerks?

It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood.

Why do men always have to ogle at other women?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

Why do men always say such stupid things?

We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

Why can’t men just share their feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

Why can’t men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?

Please, how many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

Why can’t men just say “I love you?”

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.

Why do men say “I love you” when they hardly know me?

Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

What does it mean when men say “I Love You?”

  1. Please sleep with me.
  2. I’m sorry for whatever it is that I did.
  3. I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
  4. Huh? I’m sorry; I wasn’t listening.
  5. What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
  6. Stop nagging me.
  7. What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

Why won’t men ever pick up after themselves?

Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you’ll pick it up.

What’s with all the belching and farting?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

Why can’t men ever leave the toilet seat down?

Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it’s actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You’re the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.

Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?

Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don’t walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don’t ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don’t get). What more could any of us males ask for?

Why do men fear commitment?

Don’t be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what ‘commitment’ means and can spell it correctly. It’s like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year’s model is, they’re always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there’s a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger… err… I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.

What does it mean when men say, “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now” or “I don’t want a girl friend?”

It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.

What does it mean when men say, “Can we just be friends?”

Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.

Do all men really masturbate?

Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It’s been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it’ll be passed on to our sons.

Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?

Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor coordination?

It is like with all things. Practice, practice, practice. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?

As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don’t see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.

Why do men like younger women?

Well, let’s see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they’re easily impressed. They’re also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.

Why do men only have one thing on their minds?

While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.

How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?

Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I’m a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.

Why are men such dogs?

I resent that. Dogs are faithful, loyal, affectionate and obedient.

June 6, 2009 Posted by | Life, Life Style | Leave a comment

5 Questions That Women Should Never Ask


There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in last April’s issue of Sassy magazine.

The five questions are:

  1. “What are you thinking?”
  2. “Do you love me?”
  3. “Do I look fat?”
  4. “Do you think she is prettier than me?”
  5. “What would you do if I died?”

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:

1. “What are you thinking?”

The proper answer to this question, of course is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.” Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

  1. Baseball
  2. Football
  3. How fat you are
  4. How much prettier she is than you
  5. How he would spend the insurance money if you died

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. “If I wanted you to know,” Al said, “I’d be talking instead of thinking.”

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2. “Do you love me?”

The correct answer to this question is, “Yes.” For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, “Yes, dear.” Wrong answers include:

  1. I suppose so.
  2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
  3. That depends on what you mean by “love”.
  4. Does it matter?
  5. Who, me?

3. “Do I look fat?”

The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

  1. I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
  2. Compared to what?
  3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
  4. I’ve seen fatter.
  5. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4. “Do you think she’s prettier than me?”

The “she” in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, “No, you are much prettier.” Wrong answers include:

  1. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
  2. I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
  3. Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
  4. Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
  5. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5. “What would you do if I died?”

Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.” This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:

“Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?”

“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband. “Why do you ask such a question?”

“Would you remarry?” persevered the wife.

“No, of course not, dear” said the husband.

“Don’t you like being married?” said the wife.

“Of course I do, dear” he said.

“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”

“Alright,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.”

“You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

“Yes” said the husband.

“Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause.

“Well yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband.

“I see,” said the wife indignantly. “And would you let her wear my old clothes?

“I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband.

“Really,” said the wife icily. “And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?”

“Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.”

“Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.”

“Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She’s left-handed…”

June 6, 2009 Posted by | Life, Life Style | Leave a comment

5 Hot tips every women must try!


The women world is actually tough! We may have applied numerous beauty tips to look beautiful, spent thousands of rupees to buy those expensive beauty products; also joined yoga or salsa classes to maintain our figure. But have we been able to live up to our expectations? No! If you really are in a need of better piece of advice, try these things out! It gives you 100% guaranteed results!(Warning: The results may be extremely positive!)
For the curves to die for:
How about a little social service? Share your piece of bread to the hungry little boy; he probably is in better need of the food than you!
For sexy, shimmering looks:
Observe & inspire yourself with all the good things in the world. Eyes reflect a woman’s soul. Let the world recognize this woman’s enforcing passion.
For a good posture:
Never walk alone. Here, I don’t mean your tall, handsome, masculine boyfriend with a loaded wallet; walk with all you have within, your knowledge and intrinsic gifted qualities.
For that divalicious’ outfits:
Open up our wardrobe and offer some of your lengthy outdated outfits to the young girl that’s helping in your house; despite child labor being illegal in Nepal! Coz’ girls….the latest fashion trend that’s in hot parties in Nepal (although it’s winter!), is to show your skin!
For a beautiful “you”:
A woman’s beauty is not just about the curves, style, facial mode or sex appeal; the beauty lies in all of us. So, let’s reveal the beautiful “us” inside. Let’s celebrate womanhood!

June 6, 2009 Posted by | Life, Life Style, Sex, Sex Life | Leave a comment

Differences Between Men and Women


Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as “that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis”. When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know there’s always a chance for us”. This is known as the “I Hate You/I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex:
Women prefer 30 – 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 – 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Hats:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

Comedy:
Let’s say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of “The Three Stooges” comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man’s favorite stooge. The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it out.

Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Magazines:
Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women’s magazine also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup…

Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she’s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the “Gimme the Ball” number in “A Chorus Line”.

Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface–mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola’s head.

Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in “Gone With The Wind”. For men, it’s when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark’s face in “Public Enemy”.

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that’s it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction–he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows:
Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says “Oh, gee, that must hurt.” The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Directions:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there”, and, “I know I’m in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store”.

Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Nudity in Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4,000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Politics:
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room–sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about “the ceremony”. Men talk about “the bachelor party”.

Cheerleaders:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictues of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession wih toys. As they older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six “D” batteries to operate.

Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Mustaches:
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

Nicknames:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like “Ultimate Pecs” and “Big Turk”, women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

June 6, 2009 Posted by | Life | 1 Comment

8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage


“…And they lived happily ever after.” You’re smart. You know life is no storybook. But admit it: Somewhere deep in your subconscious lurk romantic visions of Cinderella, or maybe Julia Roberts. The images may be sketchy and a little outdated, but you can still make out the silhouette of the bride and Prince Charming riding off into the sunset.

In real life, sometimes your Disney fairy tale ends up feeling more like a Wes Craven horror flick — and you’re the chick who keeps falling down and screaming for her life. I’ve been there.

Let’s face it, marriage is not for the faint of heart. You want to believe your pure love for each other will pull you through. And it does. But it ain’t always pretty.

That may sound grim. But here’s a secret: Sometimes it’s the least romantic parts of marriage that have the most to teach you about yourself, your partner, and the nature of love. Read on for some simple truths that will unlock the surprising treasures and pleasures in your imperfect, unstorybook, real-life love.

1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?

When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy — your soul mate — you’ll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn’t make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, This is so not what I signed up for.

Actually, it is. You just didn’t realize it the day you and your guy were cramming wedding cake into each other’s faces, clinking champagne glasses, and dancing the Electric Slide. Back then you had no idea that “for better and for worse” doesn’t kick in only when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out togetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills.

That’s when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense of loneliness and grief. It’s not him. It’s just you, letting go of that sugarcoated fantasy of marriage that danced in your eyes the day you and your beloved posed in all those soft-focus wedding photos. You’re learning that marriage isn’t a destination; it’s a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium.

Waking up from a good dream to face the harsh morning daylight may not seem like a reason to celebrate. But trust me, it is. Because once you let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that’s better than any fairy tale.

2. You’ll work harder than you ever imagined.

Early on, when people say, “Marriage takes work,” you assume “work” means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. In your naiveté, you think that you will struggle to accommodate some annoying habit, like persistent knuckle cracking or flatulence.

If only it were that easy. Human beings, you may have noticed, are not simple creatures. Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths — and from where he sits, you’re pretty complicated, too. You have to learn each other the same way that you once learned earth science or world geography. And getting married doesn’t mean you’re done — it just means you’ve advanced to graduate-level studies. That’s because every time you think you’ve mastered the material, he’ll change a bit. And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process.

“It’s like losing weight,” says Andrea Harden, 45, of Buffalo, NY. “You want it to be a one-time deal. You lost it, now just live. But then you learn it’s a lifestyle. That’s marriage. The effort is a forever thing.” So don’t be too hard on yourself — or him — on those days when you feel like you’re struggling through remedial math.

3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).

Whoever decided to tell newlyweds “Never go to bed angry” doesn’t know what it’s like inside a bedroom where tears and accusations fly as one spouse talks the other into a woozy stupor until night meets the dawn. If this scenario sounds familiar, I’ve got three words for you: Sleep on it.

You need to calm down. You need to gain perspective. You need to just give it a rest. I’ve found that an argument of any quality, like a fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the action will help you figure out whether you’re angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the overflowing garbage can is really about feeling underappreciated. Could be you’re both stressed out at work and just needed to unload on someone. Taking a break will help you see that, and let go. Or maybe you really do have a legitimate disagreement to work out. Without a time-out, sometimes a perfectly good argument can turn into an endless round of silly back-and-forth, rehashing old and irrelevant transgressions as you get more and more wound up.

Even when you do manage to stay focused and on topic, there are some fights that stubbornly refuse to die by bedtime. And if you stifle your real feelings just to meet some arbitrary deadline, your marriage will surely be the worse for it. “This was a huge lesson for me,” says Andrea. “As women we’ve been trained to make nice. But the whole kiss-and-make-up thing just to keep the peace was eating me up inside. I’d let things build up inside me until I just exploded. Now I wait a while to get hold of myself — let the emotions settle a bit — and state my position. Even if that means reopening the fight the next day.”

4. You will go without sex — sometimes for a long time — and that’s okay.

There are few men in the Western world sexier than my husband. And I don’t say this because I know he may read this article. I’ve seen women checking him out when they think I’m not looking. (Honestly, ladies, you don’t have to sneak a peek. I don’t mind if you stare.) That said, there are times that I just don’t feel like having sex — often for reasons that have nothing to do with Genoveso. (See? Even his name is sexy.) I can’t lie and say this is always okay with him. But the fact is, there are also plenty of nights when he’s not in the mood. So maybe a few days go by when we don’t do it. And then a few more. And….

Sexless periods are a natural part of married life. A dry spell isn’t a sign that you’ve lost your mojo or that you’ll never have sex again. It just means that maybe this week, sleep is more important than sex. (I don’t know about you, but between work, 3 a.m. feedings, the PTA, soccer, T-ball, and everything else, I sometimes crave sleep the way a pimply, hormonal adolescent longs to cop a feel.)

And don’t kid yourself; no one in America is doing it as often as popular culture would have you believe. Instead of worrying about how much you think you “should” be having sex, keep the focus on figuring out your own rhythm. “I used to think, What’s happened to us? We always used to be in the mood,” says 35-year-old Kim Henderson of Oakland, CA, who’s been married for five years. “Now I know better. Life happens. My husband just started a new job. He has a long commute, and we have two small children. I think we’re good.”

The key is to make sure that even if you’re not doing “it,” you’re still doing something-touching, kissing, hugging. Personally, my heart gets warm and mushy when my husband rubs my feet after a long, tiring day. He may not be anywhere near my G-spot, but that little bit of touch and attention keeps us connected even when we’re not having spine-tingling sex.

5. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.

I can be a bit of a know-it-all. There, I said it. It’s really not my intention to be hurtful or brash with people I love. It’s just that a lifetime of experience has taught me that in most areas, at most times, I am right about most things. What shocked me several years into my marriage, though, was the realization that the more “right” I was, the more discontented my husband and I were as a couple. See, oddly enough, throughout his life Genoveso has been under the misguided impression that he’s right most of the time (go figure!). So we’d lock horns — often. That is, until I learned a few things.

Namely, that when it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right or wrong — there is simply your way of looking at things and your husband’s. “I used to be very black-and-white earlier in our marriage,” says Lindy Vincent, 38, who lives in Minneapolis. “Now I see that I’m not all right and my husband is not all wrong. There’s more gray in life than I thought, and that’s taught me patience and the value of compromise.”

The more I get to know and appreciate my husband for who he is, the more I respect his positions. That doesn’t mean I always agree with him. But I can see the value in striking a balance that satisfies us both. And instead of harping on how wrong he is, I can usually swallow the verbal vitriol and simply say something like, “I see your point” or “I hadn’t considered that.” After I sincerely acknowledge his view, it seems to become easier for him to hear mine. And because I know I’m being heard, most of the time now, I don’t even want to prove how right I am anymore. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

6. A great marriage doesn’t mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right.

Maybe you think that because of my newfound wisdom, Genoveso and I never fight anymore. Ha! As important as it is to strike a balance, it’s also important to have a big, fat fight every now and then. Because when you fight, you don’t just raise your voices; you raise real — sometimes buried — issues that challenge you to come to a clearer understanding of you, your man, and your relationship. I wouldn’t give up our fights for anything in the world, because I know in the end they won’t break us; they’ll only make us stronger.

7. You’ll realize that you can only change yourself.

Ever seen the ’80s sci-fi cult classic Making Mr. Right? When the stylish heroine, played by Ann Magnuson, is hired to teach a robot how to act like a human, she seizes the chance to create a perfect guy. A hotshot commercial whiz, she uses her marketing prowess to shape John Malkovich’s android character into her personal version of the ideal man — sensitive, eager to please, and willing to listen.

There is a bit of that makeover fantasy in all of us — something that makes us believe we can change the person we love, make him just a little bit closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but with dogged conviction we take on this huge responsibility, convinced we’re doing the right thing.

Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a full-grown man — stripping him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies — is truly an impossible task. And you will come to realize, sooner than later if you’re lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to him.

Here’s a perfect case in point: “I used to go off on my husband because he didn’t empty the sink trap when he cleaned the kitchen,” says Kimberly Seals Allers, 36, of Bay Shore, NY. “It got me nowhere; my rants only made him resentful. Now I come home and when the kitchen looks clean, I’m like, ‘Cool, now all I have to do is empty the sink trap.'”

8. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you’re really made of.

I’ve got issues. Trust issues. Control issues. And others, I’m sure, that I’ve yet to fully discover. I guess I’ve always known I wasn’t perfect. But in more than a decade of marriage, I’ve been smacked upside the head with the cold, hard evidence.

There were clues when Genoveso and I were dating, especially with the trust thing. Early on, I was supersuspicious of him. He used to say things like, “I’ll call you at 8.” Then, just to try to trip me up, he’d call at 8. I knew he was up to something, I just couldn’t figure out what. The same kinds of experiences followed after the wedding. Except occasionally he would actually mess up. And I had no sense of scale when it came to rating his offenses; everything was a major violation. Whether he teased me about a new haircut or came home late, I seethed for days and even let thoughts of divorce creep into my head. I figured, if he loved me — really and truly — this stuff wouldn’t happen.

I’d like to be able to say that this irrational behavior lasted only a few months and I eventually worked it out. Kind of, sort of, is closer to the truth. After years of looking deeply into my soul and talking to good friends and the best sister a girl could ever have, I’ve come to recognize certain things about myself. Not to get all Dr. Phil about it, but I’ve had to examine my history with an emotionally distant dad and a strong-willed mom and face up to all the ways, both good and bad, that those relationships have affected how I approach my marriage.

I still struggle as a work in progress. But I am completely clear in the knowledge that many of the deepest frustrations in your relationship are an opportunity for you to confront yourself. That can be difficult to accept — after all, it’s so much more comforting to keep a running tab of your hubby’s deficits and tell yourself that his failings are the only thing standing between you and a better marriage. But if you let it, this bumpy journey toward self-awareness can be one of the more fulfilling rewards of a committed, long-term relationship — you’ll learn to love your quirks and be compassionate toward yourself, just as you’re learning to do with him.

That’s the strange beauty of marriage: It’s full of hard times and hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your life together — and make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began.

June 1, 2009 Posted by | Good Life, Life, Life Style | Leave a comment

कुन विवाह सफल ?


के विवाह गर्नैपर्छ – विवाह नगरी खुशी रहन सकिँदैन र – सकिँंदैन भन्ने हो भने विवाह नै नगरेका कतिपय महिला तथा पुरुषहरू दुःखी रहेका ज‚ता लाग्दैनन् । पहाड ज‚तो भनिने जीवन एक्लै नै बाँचिरहने थुप्रै व्यक्तिहरू तपाईँ हाम्रो वरिपरि नै भेटिन्छन् । धेरै मानिसहरू ‘विवाह’ को बोर्ड पछाडि दुःखी भेटिन पनि सक्छन् । त्यसैले होला, विवाहलाई त्यो फल भनिएको छ, जुन खाएर पनि मानिसहरू पछुताएकै छन् र नखाएर पनि पछुताएकै छन् । पहिले पहिले मानिसहरू परम्परागत रूपले मागी विवाह बढी गर्थे । परिवारले छानेको, आफ्नो कुल मर्यादा अनुसारका केटा र केटीबीच विवाह हुन्थ्यो । विवाहभन्दा अघि घुम्न जाने त परै जाओस्, एक अर्कालाई राम्रोसँग देखेका पनि हुँदैन थिए ।

बदलिँदो समयसँगै शिक्षा, परिवर्तित सोचाइ र खुलापनले गर्दा हाम्रो समाजमा हिजोआज प्रेम विवाह गर्ने चलनमा पनि उल्लेख्य वृद्धि भएको छ । सोध्दा पनि मानिसहरू प्रेम विवाहकै पक्षमा बढी वकालत गर्छन् । प्रेम विवाह गर्दा विवाह अघि नै एक अर्कालाई राम्रोसँग बुभ्mन सकिने, आनीबानी थाहा हुने भएकोले जीवन साथीसँग व्यवहार गर्न सजिलो पर्छ । विरलै भए पनि हाल आई केही समलिङ्गी विवाह पनि प्रकाशमा आएका छन् । समान लिङ्गमा हुने य‚ता अप्राकृतिक विवाह कुन हदसम्म सफल हुन्छ भन्ने कुरा त हर्ेर्नै बाँकी छ तर भावनात्मक रूपले प्रेरित भई गरिएका य‚ता विवाह लामो समयसम्म पनि टिक्ला भन्ने कुरामा भने धेरैलाई शङ्का हुनसक्छ । सतही रूपमा हर्ेर्ने हो भने मागी विवाहको तुलनामा प्रेम विवाहमा केटा र केटी पर्ूव परिचित हुन्छन्, पर‚परमा माया र विश्वास बढी हुन्छ र यसले गर्दा य‚ता विवाह बढी सफल र टिकाउ हुन्छ भन्ने धारणा हुन्छ तर धेरै प्रेम विवाहका पनि दुःखद् अन्त्य भएका छन् ।

एक नेवार केटीले बाहुन केटासँग वर्षौँको प्रेमपछि विवाह गरेकी थिइन् । विवाहपछि दशौँ वर्षम्म पनि उनीहरूका कुनै सन्तान भएन । पछि आफ्नै घरमा डेरा गरी ब‚ने अर्कै एक बाहुनी केटीसंग केटाको सम्बन्ध ब‚यो । पहिली श्रीमतीसँग माया बसी गरेको विवाह पनि लामो समय टिक्न सकेन र त्यसको अन्त्य पारपाचुकेमा भयो । त्य‚तै अर्को एक जोडी पनि प्रेम विवाह गरी बीसौँ वर्षम्म सफल दम्पतिका रूपमा बसेका थिए । दर्ुइ छोरीहरू विवाह गर्ने उमेरका भइसकेका पनि थिए तर छोरीहरूलाई अन्माएर पठाउनुको सट्टा ती महिला आफ्नो घर परिवार छाडेर आफै आफ्नो व्यवसाय हर्ेर्ने परपुरुषसँग गइन् । प्रेम विवाह गरेर पनि पर्ूण्ा सन्तुष्ट नभएकाहरू ‘परम्परागत विवाह गरेको भए बरु पछिल्ला वर्षरूमा माया बढ्दै जान्थ्यो कि !’ भन्ने भ्रममा रहन्छन् ।

मेरी एउटी साथी सधैँ प्रेम विवाहको विपक्षमा कुरा गर्थिन् । परम्परागत रूपमा मागी विवाह गरेकी उनी हिजो आज भन्न थालेकी छिन्, “शायद माया गरेको व्यक्तिसँगै प्रेम गरेर विवाह गरेकी भए जीवन आज यत्ति निरस, सुख्खा र अतृप्त हुँदैनथ्यो होला ।” कुलीन घराना र सम्पन्न परिवार भएकोले एक परिचित महिलाको कम उमेरमै पारिवारिक विवाह गराइएको थियो । उनीहरू श्रीमान् श्रीमती दुवैले दुःखसुःख गरी जिन्दगीमा लामो यात्रा तय पनि गरे । उनीहरूका दर्ुइ छोराछोरी पनि भयो । आफ्नो व्यापार बढाउनका लागि श्रीमान् विदेश गए, एक विदेशी केटीसँग उनको सर्म्पर्क र सम्बन्ध बढ्यो । ‚व्ादेशमा परिवारसँग हुँदा विवाहोत्तर सम्बन्धको कुनै गाइँगुइँसम्म नचलेको उनै पुरुष बाहिर गएको केही समयमै विदेशीसँग सम्बन्ध मात्र रहेन, गर्भपतनै गराउनुपर्ने ‚थिति पनि आइपर्‍यो । अहिले उनकी श्रीमती श्रीमान् तह लगाउन विदेशमा श्रीमानसँगै बसेकी छिन् तर युवा छोराछोरी घरमा अभिभावकविहीन भइबसेका छन् । उनीहरूको विवाहलाई असफल भन्ने हो भने आफन्तका आँखामा उनी विदेशमा श्रीमान्सँग बसेकी छिन्, सफल भन्नलाई उनको मन सधैँ श्रीमान्प्रति शङ्कालु भइरहन्छ । विवाह एउटा सामाजिक सं‚कार हो र एउटा विश्वास पनि । दर्ुइ परिचित वा अपरिचित महिला तथा पुरुषले एक अर्कालाई आफ्ना हरेक सुखदुःखमा साझेदार बनाई सँगै जीवनयापन गर्न विवाह गर्दछन् । त्यसो त विवाह नै नगरी जोइपोइको रूपमा सँगै ब‚ने र सन्तान जन्मिसकेपछि मात्र दुवैले चाहेमा विवाह गर्ने विदेशी सं‚कृति पनि नभएको हैन । हामी हाम्रो सं‚कृतिभित्र विवाहलाई एउटा पवित्र र धार्मिक रीति मान्दछौँ । चाहे परम्परागत रूपमा गरिएको विवाह वा प्रेम विवाह नै किन नहोस्, त्यसको सफलता भन्नु त्यसको दिगोपना हो । ब्रिटनी ‚पेयरको ज‚तो ‘आज विवाह, भोलि पारपाचुके’ भयो भने विवाहको नाममा एउटा तमाशा मात्र हुन्छ, विवाहको नामप्रति विश्वास नभई वितृष्णा उत्पन्न हुन्छ ।

सफल विवाहका लागि लामो वैवाहिक जीवन मात्र पनि पर्याप्त हुँदैन । कतिपयले व्यक्तिगत र पारीवारिक कारणले पनि सामाजिक प्रतिष्ठाका लागि असन्तुष्ट विवाहलाई अनावश्यक रूपमा लम्ब्याइरहेका हुन्छन् । त्य‚तो अव‚थामा दुवैले जिन्दगी बाँचिरहेका हुँदैनन्, बाध्यतामा मात्र घिसारिरहेका हुन्छन् । समाजका कुनै कुनै प्रतिष्ठित परिवारहरूका घरमा भौतिक सुखसाधनको त कुनै कमी हुँदैन, कमी हुन्छ भने परिवारसँग खर्चिने समयको । श्रीमान् वा श्रीमती वा दुवै पद, प्रतिष्ठा र पैसाका पछाडि लागिपरेका हुन्छन् । समाजका आफ्ना विशिष्ट साथीभाइहरूका लागि तारे होटलका पार्टि प्रोग्रामका लागि उनीहरूसँग समय हुन्छ तर घरमा आफ्ना जीवनसाथीसँग केही समय बसेर सुखदुःखका कुरा गर्न र घरायसी सम‚याहरू सुन्न/सुनाउन फर्ुसद हँुदैन । फल‚वरूप य‚ता परिवारमा दम्पतिबीच फाटो आउँछ र धेरै जनाको नजानिँदोसँग बाहिर अरुसँग हेलमेल बढ्न जान्छ । आ-आफ्ना दोष र कमजोरी बुdmेर पनि उनीहरू अहम् र ग्लानीले गर्दा एक अर्कालाई न माफ गरिरहेका हुन्छन् न आफूलाई सच्याइरहेका हुन्छन् । श्रीमान् श्रीमती बनी एउटै खाटमा सुतेर पनि पर‚परमा अछूत ज‚तै व्यवहार गर्ने उनीहरूको विवाह मात्र एउटा औपचारिकता बनिरहेको हुन्छ ।

सफल विवाहका लागि मायाको ठूलो भूमिका हुन्छ भन्ने कुरामा विवाद नहोला । अपत्यारिलो लाग्छ तर कहिलेकाहीँ बढी माया पनि विवाह टुटाउने एउटा कारण हुँदोरहेछ । एक साथीकी टाढाकी एक आफन्त थिइन् । पारीवारिक ढङ्गले विवाह गरेकी उनलाई श्रीमान्ले अत्यन्तै माया गर्थे, आफ्नी श्रीमतीसँग हरेक कुरा सोधिरहन्थ्यो, बताइरहन्थ्यो, हर घडी श्रीमतीकै साथ रहन्थ्यो । आफ्नी श्रीमतीप्रतिको उनको अत्यधिक चाहना र माया आखिर उनको विवाहलाई धरासायी बनाउने कारक तत्व बन्न पुग्यो । श्रीमान्को सीमाभन्दा बढी मायालाई उनले आफ्नो ‚वतन्त्रताको हनन् ठानिन् । आफ्नो खुशीले केही गर्न र कहीँं जान नपाइने, हर बखत कैदी ज‚तो रहनर्ुपर्ने, कुनै कुराको पनि गोप्यता नरहने भनीे नि‚सासिएको अनुभव गर्दै ती महिलाले आफ्नो श्रीमान्सँग पारपाचुके मागी सबैलाई आर्श्चर्यचकित र ‚तब्ध पारेकी थिइन् । विवाहले केवल दर्ुइ शरीरलाई मात्र हैन, मनलाई पनि बाँध्न सक्नर्ुपर्छ । विवाहलाई टिकाउन एक अर्कालाई विश्वास, र्समर्पण र सम्मान गर्नुपर्छ भने शरीरका आवश्यकतालाई पनि बेवा‚ता गर्नु हुँदैन । शरीरका पनि आफ्नै भोक र माग हुन्छन् । य‚तो भोकको समाधान घरभित्रै भएन भने त्यसका लागि महिला वा पुरुषले बाहिर दृष्टि डुलाउन सक्छन् । आफूलाई नपुग भएको कुरा अरुमार्फ् प्राप्त गर्न खोज्दा वैवाहिक सम्बन्ध नै धरापमा पर्नसक्छ भन्ने कुराको चिन्ता उनीहरू गर्दैनन् । घरमा जवान छोराहरू भईकन पनि आफ्नी श्रीमती अधवैंसे र रसहीन भएको बहानामा कतिपय पुरुषहरू आफ्ना छोराको उमेरकी तरुनीसँग विभिन्न पिकनिक ‚पटहरूमा डुली रास रचाइरहेका हुन्छन् । विवाह उनीहरूको निम्ति उनीहरूका रसरंगलाई लुकाउने सामाजिक ढाल मात्र हुन्छ । विवाह एउटा साझा अनुभूति हो, श्रीमान् श्रीमतीको एक अर्काप्रतिको जिम्मेवारी, दायित्व, मायाप्रेम र भरोसाको । एक अर्कामाथिको भरोसा अनावश्यक शङ्का, विश्वासघात र ‚वार्थले गर्दा टुटेको दिन विवाहले आफ्नो गरिमा गुमाउँछ र त्यसपछि यो फगत एउटा नाटकमा सीमित रहन जान्छ । त्यसैले एक अर्कामाथि शङ्का गरिने ‚थिति आउन दिनुभन्दा पहिले नै त्य‚ता ‚थितिहरूबाट आफूलाई जोगाउनर्ुपर्छ ।

विवाह असफल हुनुमा एक अर्कालाई होच्याउने बानी, विभिन्न बहानामा ढाँट्ने, घरमा पर्याप्त समय नदिने र बरालिएर हिँड्ने ‚वभावहरू पनि प्रमुख कारण हुनसक्छन् । केटा वा केटीको अहम्ले गर्दा लिइने अनावश्यक अडानलाई पनि बिर्सनु हुँदैन । सफल विवाहका लागि ‘अहम्’ भन्ने कुरा ज्यादै घातक हुन्छ, यसलाई हावी हुन दिनुहुँदैन । अहम्कै कारणले कतिपय श्रीमान् श्रीमतीको बोलचालै बन्द भई जीवनका अन्तिम क्षणसम्म पनि एउटै घरमा अपरिचित ज‚तै बसेका उदाहरण पनि नभएका होइनन् । सुन्दरता र माया बाह्य आवरणमा हैन, मनभित्र वि‚वास र समdmदारीमा हुन्छ भन्न्ेा कुरा बुभ्mन सकिएमा जीवनसाथीप्रतिको आकर्षा घट्न पाउँदैन । आफ्नो जीवनसाथीको साथ, सामिप्य, र्‚पर्श, सहानुभूति र मायाको सम्बोधन हरेक दम्पतिको चाहना हुन्छ । एकले अर्काको भावनालाई बुझेर, सम्मान गरेर, दास्रोप्रति संवेदनशील हुन सक्नर्ुपर्छ । भएका गल्तीमा माफी माग्ने र दिने, हौसला र प्रेरणा दिने, आफ्नो जीवनसाथीको तुलना अरुसँग कहिल्यै नगर्ने, पर‚परको भावनामा चोट पुर्‍याउने काम कम्तीमा जीवनसाथीको अगाडि नगर्ने, नभन्ने र जतिसुकै व्य‚त भए पनि उनलाई सुन्ने समय निकालेर समर्पित रहेको अनुभूति गराउन सकियो भने दर्ुइबीचको मायामा कहिल्यै कमी आउँदैन । तन र मन सन्तुष्ट हुने विवाह नै सफल विवाह हैन र ?

May 29, 2009 Posted by | Life, Life Style | Leave a comment

Time Teaches us the Thing


One day when we went to the grocery store, I thought it would be a normal outing to buy food but it was different because I went with my mother. Arriving at the store, my mom went straight to the pickles aisle. She carefully read each bottle’s contents and took extra care handling them. I had no idea my mom loved pickles this much.

“Chora!, do you think you can go do the grocery shopping while I look at the pickles?” she asked.

“Uh, uh, I don’t-” I stuttered.

“Please, dear, I’ll be here forever if we don’t get something done.”

“Alright,” I said, reluctantly. I never did like grocery shopping, especially when I was the one doing it!

“Here’s the list. Have fun!” And just like that, she returned to looking at the contents of the pickle bottles.

Every night during dinner, my mom makes her way to the kitchen and takes out a bottle of pickle as delicately as handling a newborn baby. She gets a plate and puts some pickles on it. She then slowly moves toward the dining table, serves us equal amount of seasonal pickles and enjoys some herself.

One day while making tea, I noticed the date on one of the pickle bottles. I then ripped it out of the pantry and sprinted toward my mom.

“Mom mom!” I exclaimed. “This pickle is way past its expiration date.”

“Chora!, hold on,” she said.

“No, we can’t hav e this tonight!”

“Wait, let me tell you-”

“Would you like me to throw it away for you? Huh? Huh?” I asked.

“Ha, ha, no. Let me explain something,” my mom said jovially.

“But -” I didn’t want us all getting sick.

“Dear, wait a second,” she said more sternly. I guess the possibility of my throwing away her pickles had kicked in.

“Son, some wines and pickles like this dry lemon in oil get better over time. The longer you wait to have it, the better it will be. Although this may seem strange, it is true.”

When I was young, I didn’t have any understanding of what this meant but now, looking back, this would have been very helpful to remember as I went through adolescence.

In our society, we forget this simple rule: The longer you wait for certain things, the better they will be. But we want the best job as quickly as possible; we want to graduate from college in as few years as possible; we even speed through our homework just to chit-chat with friends. When we do this, we lose sight of the fundamentals.

We are all so intent on getting to the next step quickly that we will do anything to get there. This has a negative effect on our society. We become blood-thirsty zombies trying to get what we want. In a job situation, we want that promotion so much that we will step on others. When trying to go to the right college, we will do anything to get in and when we rush through our homework, we may not study enough for the test, and end up failing. All these common situations have one thing in common: they could all be solved if we just took our time.

When we don’t fully prepare ourselves for the next level, we become a society of people who aren’t ready, but want the rewards of reaching the next level. This cheats others who have prepared and deserve the job. We need to be ready for whatever comes, ready for the unexpected. Just as a lemon pickle gets better over time, so will the things in our paths.

May 27, 2009 Posted by | Life | Leave a comment